I’ve been away from writing for so long I feel as though I need to report to you everything that has happened in my absence. In truth, I don’t. Suffice it to say that being unemployed is a mixed bag of relaxed freedom and paralyzing stress.
I have spent these past weeks consumed in problem solving, which means my mental energies have been consciously or unconsciously devoted to figuring out four important areas of my life: income (basic survival), housing (selling my stuff and moving in with roommates), transportation (public transit vs. new car) and creative purpose (what am I doing with my life?)
And if that wasn’t enough, romance has shoved itself into the equation. It seems as though the day I decided I was done with dating, it started raining men. Thirty-something, single, men. I know I shouldn’t be complaining but… really? Now?
So as you can imagine, my mental faculties have been somewhat consumed, and I’ve returned to my usual mental hiccuping (i.e. any combination of stuttering, tip-of-the-tongue syndrome, kindergarten vocabulary, mid-conversation memory loss and a general sense of intellectual dullness). This has proven to be a major hurdle for my writing and my ego.
It’s been little over a month, and I’ve made such slow progress. When I decided to quit my job, I hadn’t anticipated the car fire, nor had I factored the cost of buying its replacement into my expense planning. I am getting close to reaching my last dime and the sense of self-assuredness I had when I first submitted my resignation has vanished.
I still don’t regret quitting. But I also don’t have any answers.
I wish I could write here telling you that everything in my life is fabulous now, that I could say “Wow! See? It all worked out so perfectly!” but I can’t because it’s not. I think that what’s so charming about success stories is that the authors get to fast forward through the days of drudgery, the weeks on end when they deeply doubted themselves, their frivolity and their impulsive decision-making. I’ve avoided writing you because I want to do that too. I want to fast forward.
But there’s no place to fast forward to. Once these problems are solved new ones will pop up.
On second thought, there are many ways my life is fabulous right now. I’m happier than before. While I don’t have money, I do have love and support and fun and laughter. I’ve had the flexibility and freedom to spend quality time with friends and family, and remember how fortunate I am to have such incredibly kind and generous people in my life. Too, this adventure has given me opportunities to meet even more amazing people. So things are good, even if I can’t measure them with a financial yard stick.
For now, I’ll focus on writing and developing my own biz, but mostly on selling my stuff and sending out resumes (because I really need to pay next month’s rent). If you know anyone who is looking to hire, I make for one awesome social worker ;)