Tag Archives: transparency

Day 205: The Struggle

I’m really struggling with this honesty thing.  It feels… emotionally dangerous.  It’s not that I’ve blatantly lied.  I haven’t.  I’ve just stopped sharing so much.

I get it now.  I get why people don’t want to openly share their thoughts and feelings, why they hide behind constructed personas and superficial chatter.  I don’t want to share either.  I’m tired of feeling vulnerable, of hurting.  I’m tired of being the only person in a group willing to expose my underbelly, of feeling so incredibly alone when the people around me won’t make eye contact–when their bodies shift uncomfortably in reaction to my openness.

And I sometimes wonder, why am I doing this?

In the past months I’ve made several attempts to write a new blog post only to end up obsessively editing, re-writing and eventually trashing what I had written.  Part of this has to do with my way of coping.  When life feels rocky and uncertain (as it has these past few months), I withdraw socially and spend most of my time quietly ruminating over every nuance of the life-stuff that’s bothering me.  This makes it especially difficult to write publicly.

The other reason is that I’m in a romantic relationship again, and I have so many contrary feelings about it that most times I don’t know what to think.  Really, I’m just afraid of getting hurt again.  And splashing about my deepest thoughts and feelings here seems like a recipe for relationship failure.

Someone recently asked me if I still think honesty is sexy and whether my life is more peaceful now.  Sexy?  Yes.  Peaceful?  Hell no.

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Day 74: Embracing Uncertainty

As I’ve been reading and rereading the self-help books that will somehow transform my mind and make this entrepreneurial path suddenly easy (yeah right), I’ve had several light bulb moments.  Not those big beautiful incandescent globes.  No, I’m talking tiny, twinkling gnome-hat bulbs–the kind found draped over shrubberies during the holiday season. Itty bitty shiny realizations.

Realization #1

Many of the blog stories inspiring folks to trade a nine-to-five for their own online business have a lot to do with exotic world travel.  Bloggers gush about remote work locations in the Bahamas, and for the first time ever, readers get excited about what’s possible for their lives.  These stories are important and very much needed.

Unfortunately, they don’t do a whole lot for me because I’ve traveled my ass off; I’ve been to Europe five times.  Five!!  I’m not saying that to be boastful.  I am fortunate to have a mother who introduced me to international travel at the ripe age of 11.  So, I caught the travel bug early and made European backpacking a top priority.  When something is a priority, you figure out how to make it happen again and again and again.

But something has changed.  My priorities are shifting.  And now I’m talking to myself:

Lindsey, why the hell did you quit your job?

Because I was miserable.  Duh.

Yeah, but what about it was making you so miserable?

You mean, besides the soul-sucking management practices, prison-like glow of overhead fluorescents and confining cubicle walls?

Yeah, besides that.

Good question.  I was miserable because I had the skill and the means to fully empower clients in improving their lives, but was required to hold back and do less for the client due to company constraints.

Imagine Superman forced to ride a public bus to save a woman from a burning building, only to find her already crispy by the time he gets there. That was my level of frustration.

As much as I love the flexibility and freedom of working for myself, it’s the opportunity to do truly meaningful work and better peoples lives to the full extent of my creativity, that drives me.  That is my priority now.

Realization #2

The scariest thing about quitting didn’t have to do with loss of income.  I didn’t quit that job.  I quit traditional employment as a whole.  I’ve made a commitment to pursuing self-employment and entrepreneurship for the rest of my life.  It’s not that I’ll never have a job again.  The fact is I might temporarily need to sustain myself with a part time gig here or there until I figure out how to make money independently, but I will never again rely solely on an HR Department for my economic survival.

Realization #3

I also made a commitment to create a livelihood that’s in harmony with my deepest values: honesty, sincerity, connection, loving-kindness.  This seems like a tall order for such a naive and inexperienced entrepreneur.  It means I face questions like: “Is there such thing as honest marketing?” and “If not, can I create it and still be successful?”

I’m doing my best to embrace the uncertainty of it all (with a lot of help from the admirable Jonathan Fields).  My progress has been somewhat slow, but I have made progress.  That’s all I’m counting for right now.

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Day 65: Take This Job and Shove It

New Beginnings

I started off the New Year right.  I started it jobless.  That’s right folks.  I quit!

Sounds exciting but quitting didn’t turn out quite the way I imagined.  Rather than submitting my resignation with a heroic shove to the shocked and disappointed expression of my supervisor, I slipped my notice quietly, sneaking out the back door relatively unnoticed by coworkers. Continue reading

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Day 28: Do Just One Thing

Gum tree & footpath to Baldwin
 

Some days, from the moment I wake up until the time I go to sleep, are just plain bad.  No matter how much positive thinking I do, I can’t shake the negativity.  It’s like the 24-hr-cold of emotion.

Today was such a day.

I’m not telling you this to get sympathy.  I don’t expect you to care.  Honestly.  But I noticed that I deal with these kinds of days differently than I used to, and I hope that my transparency can be of some use. Continue reading

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Honesty Quotes

Soulful Quotes

A lie will easily get you out of a scrape, and yet, strangely and beautifully, rapture possesses you when you have taken the scrape and left out the lie.  ~Charles Edward Montague, Disenchantment

Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind.  ~Austin O’Malley Continue reading

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Honesty in Action

As declared in my last post, I’ve decided to embark on a social experiment of 100% transparency, 100% self-acceptance and 0% shame.  Already it feels incredibly difficult.

As much as I hate to admit it, I am an approval whore.  I don’t necessarily care whether or not strangers approve of me–it’s the people I love and whose opinions I respect from whom I want acceptance.  It’s true I’d hate for something I post here to hurt or offend my loved ones.  But, if I dig really deep, I find the hardest part of being 100% transparent is that there’s some small part of me that feels unlovable in my entirety–exactly as I am.

You might not agree with me, but I think most people feel that way too.  Otherwise, why do we contruct social personas, personas that we become quite attached to?  And isn’t that what corporate advertising plays on–our fears that we’re not okay, that we’re not enough, exactly as we are? Continue reading

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The Start of Something Scary

After writing my last post, I thought “Oh god.  This blog has already become depressing”.  But that’s not what I want.

I don’t want my writing to be yet one more platform for people to feel bad about the world they live in.  Nor do I want this to become the narcissistic catharsis that so many other blogs become. So, I asked myself: “what do I want to come from this?”

These are the answers that came up:

I want to help people

I want people to feel better about their lives

I want them to feel more connected and less lost, confused, or lonely

I want people to know that it’s okay to be honest, real and open, and that their true selves are completely lovable

I want people to become more self-aware  so that they can make the kinds of choices that lead to richer and more joyful lives

I want to subject myself to a social experiment of 100% transparency, 100% self-acceptance and 0% shame, and document the entire thing on this blog.

Whew!  All of those statements feel incredibly true, and having put them down has somehow lifted a weight in my body that I hadn’t noticed was there.  That very last statement (the one about transparency) scares the bejeesus out of me (literally my arm hairs stood on end when I wrote it) which is a good sign that I absolutely should do it.

*sigh*

Here goes nothin’.

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