I’m really struggling with this honesty thing. It feels… emotionally dangerous. It’s not that I’ve blatantly lied. I haven’t. I’ve just stopped sharing so much.
I get it now. I get why people don’t want to openly share their thoughts and feelings, why they hide behind constructed personas and superficial chatter. I don’t want to share either. I’m tired of feeling vulnerable, of hurting. I’m tired of being the only person in a group willing to expose my underbelly, of feeling so incredibly alone when the people around me won’t make eye contact–when their bodies shift uncomfortably in reaction to my openness.
And I sometimes wonder, why am I doing this?
In the past months I’ve made several attempts to write a new blog post only to end up obsessively editing, re-writing and eventually trashing what I had written. Part of this has to do with my way of coping. When life feels rocky and uncertain (as it has these past few months), I withdraw socially and spend most of my time quietly ruminating over every nuance of the life-stuff that’s bothering me. This makes it especially difficult to write publicly.
The other reason is that I’m in a romantic relationship again, and I have so many contrary feelings about it that most times I don’t know what to think. Really, I’m just afraid of getting hurt again. And splashing about my deepest thoughts and feelings here seems like a recipe for relationship failure.
Someone recently asked me if I still think honesty is sexy and whether my life is more peaceful now. Sexy? Yes. Peaceful? Hell no.
I think you answer a very important question smack dab in the middle of your post, Lindsey. Why ARE you doing this? I’m not saying that in the “you’re crazy, why are you doing this” sort of way, but I think it’s important for you to reassess what exactly you are doing this for and what you are gaining from it. Go through your others posts and say to yourself, “is this still applicable?” Because, if the answer is no, then I’d stop. But if the answer is still resoundingly yes, or you find more reasons, then I’d keep going.
Welcome back. Like a cork upon the ocean waves. My only advice…say less to more people. Appreciate you.
I think nearly every word you wrote in this post could have come out of my mouth…or from my keyboard. As a Lord of the Rings fan, there’s a pair of quotes that are very contrary, but both keep getting repeated in my head nearly daily. Considering that you and I seem to be in similar situations, I thought you might appreciate them:
“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” – Gandalf
“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on… when in your heart you begin to understand… there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend… some hurts that go too deep… that have taken hold.”- Frodo
Lately I’ve been focused on the 2nd quote a lot – trying to find a way to “pick up the threads” of my old life. I haven’t figured that out yet, nor have I been able to put into words what you did so eloquently. But do know that you’ve inspired me to comment on something, which lately, for me, is a Big Deal. Thank you for that.
I think honesty is precious. But I think privacy is more precious, as it allows us the deepest kind of honesty, the kind we can have with ourselves first. I struggle with everything you’ve written here. The writing, rewriting, the editing and erasing. There are no simple or easy answers to this problem.
I’ve also found some people are by nature more transparent, or “real”, and others just aren’t as much. We can feel frustrated when we are open and vulnerable and others don’t reciprocate. I used to think others were consciously withholding, now I don’t always think that way. I think we can only withhold what we know is there.
Some people need to learn to cover up more (me) and others need to learn how to undress. We’re all so different. In the end I realized totally honestly just wasn’t healthy for me; I don’t consider keeping something of myself to myself inauthentic anymore, I think it’s smart (for me).
Best of luck with your new relationship
Don’t give up please. Please. It is hard. But it’s worth it. Withdrawing is what makes it harder. You’ve got it. Honesty was never meant to be perfect. Being genuine was never meant to be safe. It’s ok to make mistakes and mess things up. I only am adamant about this because I’m in a similar boat (at least as far as I can tell from your description). Don’t let fear kill the boldness you had when you started. You’ve got it.
How come you never write anymore? What happened?
This has such a strong resonance with where I’m at right now. I have no advice … if I did, I wouldn’t be there.
I hope you’re doing ok! I miss reading your writing.