Some days, from the moment I wake up until the time I go to sleep, are just plain bad. No matter how much positive thinking I do, I can’t shake the negativity. It’s like the 24-hr-cold of emotion.
Today was such a day.
I’m not telling you this to get sympathy. I don’t expect you to care. Honestly. But I noticed that I deal with these kinds of days differently than I used to, and I hope that my transparency can be of some use.
Whatever You Do, Don’t Cave In
Once upon a time I struggled intensely with severe depression. At one point it got so bad, that I was frighteningly close to attempting suicide. This is something that very few people know about me, and I hesitate to share it with you now. I feel almost certain that this admission will earn me sideways glances from coworkers, and will scare off any guy who ever had even an inkling of romantic interest in me.
But I’m fine with all that if it means you feel less shameful of your own grief. Many more people than you know secretly suffer from clinical depression. If ever you see someone who seems to have a perfect life. Know that it isn’t. What you think is real, isn’t true.
So, as you can imagine, during this very sad time, days like today would send me into a downward spiral of despair. I would start out feeling sad, and the sadness would trigger negative thoughts. Those negative thoughts would result in more sadness, which triggered new negative thoughts and so on. Can you picture it?
At some pivotal point, I learned how to stop this cycle. I’m pretty sure Martha Beck was a major contributor to this change when I read her article “Quit suffering from ‘dirty’ pain“.
You really should click on the link and read it, but essentially it says that “clean” pain is the natural and healthy grieving process we experience when something hurtful happens to us, while ”dirty” pain is the result of our thoughts about how wrong the situation is–how it proves that we, or life in general, are bad. Of the two types of pain, “dirty” pain is the type that causes the most suffering and distracts from the natural processing and healing of “clean” pain.
After learning this, when negative thoughts arose (i.e. stories I invented about “how bad it is”) I stopped in my tracks and allowed the “clean” pain to dissolve itself naturally. As a result, I gained some power over my bad days.
Release the Energy of It
Sometimes emotional energy can be so raw, fiery and consuming, that it feels as though it is more powerful than you are. It’s important to find constructive ways to release that energy rather than internalizing it and letting it consume you. Listed below are a few tools for releasing emotion. Which one you use will depend on your level of energy, the type(s) of emotion you are feeling and availability of the tool
Tell somebody. Find someone you know who cares about your long-term happiness and tell them how you’re feeling. You don’t have to go into depth if you’re uneasy about it. You can share in person, over the phone or via twitter–that’s what I did today 
Write it down. Journaling, especially free-writing, is a very powerful tool for releasing pent-up emotion.
Move your body. Walk, run, skip or do all three. It doesn’t matter. Listen to yourself. Are you enraged? Then run full blast, lift some weights or go to the batting cages. Feeling sad? Try going for a walk, do some yoga or some light stretching.
Do Just One Thing
Take one small step towards your goal, even if you feel like crap. The smallest of steps will keep you from feeling bad tomorrow. For me, this has been one of the hardest but most powerful tools to master. Feeling sad used to be an excuse for doing nothing. Now, no matter what, I take one tiny baby step. If you think of a step and that feels too much. Cut it in half and in half again until you do it.
It’s Only Temporary
I love the saying “this too shall pass.” I use it as a mantra when I feel as if the present moment is too much to handle. Try it or make your own mantra, and see what happens.
Do you have your own tools for dealing with bad days? If so, please share below!
I really needed to read this today for many different reasons! Thank you for sharing this today!
Lisa, thank for letting me know (I started to question having posted it!) Glad you gained something from it
To say I understand is an understatement. Just know that I love you and am sending you positive thoughts and energies. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Thank you Amanda! So, glad to have you as a friend
Thanks for your honesty Lindsey. I too struggled with my own ‘demons’ for many years but have turned the corner. Key for me was learning to let go and to take things one day at a time.
I also frequently use the mantra “this too shall pass” ~ ‘good’ times and ‘bad’ times, they all pass. It’s strange though how during the good times we seem to know that they won’t last forever, and yet when the bad times come they feel like they will never end. Truth is they both pass – in their own time – and the eternal circle that is life goes on.
Steve
You are an awesome writer and even more awesome for being able to write about this. So often people don’t realize what others are going through and knowing other people have shared some of these same experiences will help in more ways than you know. Keep writing girl! I love you!!
Thank you for your support Patti! Love you!!
Lindsey, thank you for sharing your true, raw emotions. It’s a quality in you that I have always respected and admired. Te quiero.
Gracias mi amiga. Te quieo tambien.
Thank you for sharing these intimate thoughts. There is no need to feel weird or like a freak. It seems you are a strong person and coping well.
The one thing that really annoys me about low days is that people who don’t get it seem to think they can just tell you that you are ‘awesome’ or ‘one of their favourite people’ and that would make it all okay.
Very helpful; thank you! I also like the idea of “just holding on” as a useful goal on those bad days. As events and emotions sweep by us, sometimes holding our present position can be that day’s most important accomplishment.
Kudos for sharing this. Although i never really had a problem talking about my depressions, panic attacks and whatnot, i know how hard it can be in a society where anything like that can make people not only give you strange looks. Or lead to even worse consequences. But being a sensible person nowadays i think that’s what comes with it.
The three things you suggest to do are pretty much what i do when i am down and out. And especially the “one thing to do” is very helpful. When you’re feeling depressive it seems nothing is gonna change anything for the better. But doing just that one little thing and feeling the positive effect will help not only in the situation at hand, but also is something you can remember the next time you get to that place.
Keep it up, Lindsey. Tell the world your story, don’t be ashamed of anything at all and go for the one thing that is worth living. Be happy. That’s really all there is to do in this lifetime. That’s my two cents anyway
Thank you Holger for being so open about your own experience and for your kind thoughts. I’ve been thinking a lot about how taboo it is to talk about our down days (or weeks, or months). Sometimes I wonder if the über-positivite self-help culture that is so prevalent in the US actually leads to more dishonesty and depression because people so actively repress their true experience so as not to “be negative”.
Thanks for your two cents.
It’s not only the US. It’s like that over here too. Though i think it has gotten better. If people would go further than just trying to get over that “day” and try to find out where that feeling came from, they just might find something fundamentally wrong in their life. I feel better turning away from traditional, society-given values and goals that were never mine. Going for your own values and goals you just might find out part of the problem was that you were bending over backwards to please anyone but you. Taking care of and being true to yourself is essential. (I hope i don’t come across as pretending to be wise, which i am not. And any seemingly strange choice of words might be owed to the fact that after all i’m german.)
Haha! I didn’t notice anything strange. So far, you’re English reads perfectly to me
Holger, I love that you said “If people would go further than just trying to get over that “day” and try to find out where that feeling came from, they just might find something fundamentally wrong in their life.” I totally agree.
That is what ultimately helped lessen my symptoms of depression. I stopped glossing over the bad days in the name of “being a positive person” and instead dug deeper to the root cause, so that I could actually fix some things. It was uncomfortable at the time, but worth it. Because I was able to face my own problems head on, I am now equipped to better support my clients, hear their pain and validate their fears.
This might be a comment more apropos for Martha Beck, but wanted to get your thoughts on it. In my life, I often hide the pain, both clean and dirty. It’s a useful tool to avoid the pitfalls of “dirty” pain, but I fear the clean pain will never resolve itself because I merely put a salve over it. Years of doing this have made me an expert in providing those salves. (I can honestly say I’m a mean creator of a “forget about it” playlist after years of practice). But am I scarring myself in the long run by never letting the clean pain dissolve? I’d appreciate any thoughts you have.
And thanks for your posts, Ms. Fox. Very thought provoking
Hi Jonas
I wouldn’t necessarily say that you’re “scarring” yourself since, to me, scarring sounds permanent. The issue is that if it continues to go unresolved, it could be destructive to your long term happiness.
By hiding pain, you limit the extent to which you can form authentic connections with the people you love, but what’s worse is that the pain is likely still being expressed indirectly, without your conscious awareness of it.
Sometimes buried pain is expressed through an overly aggressive or caustic manner which strains your relationships. Physically it might be manifested in muscle tension, high blood pressure, or chronic pain diseases. Most commonly people turn to addictive behaviors like excessive eating, alcohol/substance abuse, excessive gambling, sex addiction, etc.
So, it’s important to face the pain, but if you’ve been in the habit of repressing pain for a long time, take it very slowly. If you like Martha Beck’s perspective, I highly recommend her book “Steering by Starlight”. Some of her ideas are more mystical in nature, which turns some people off, but beyond that she has wonderful advice about facing pain, anger and other uncomfortable emotions. Not to mention she is funny as hell. Hope that helps
Not only have you written about a very common human condition but you give such good advice Lindsey.
From my own experience I know without a shadow of doubt that doing just one thing, however small, can result in an improved state. In ‘doing something’ you order some wayward emotions and in the end feeling a sense of accomplishment is very positive indeed and sometimes almost magical when in the grip of the pain of depression.
I remember when I decided it was ok to let go and feel the enormity of the negative state ( see +Brian Kwong ) as long as I had a Project to be working on at the same time. So having smiled all day at work I came home every day and cried, literally, but at the same time a new record was on the turntable so I could research some new music. Listening to the music always took over as it gradually pervaded my consciousness through the tears.
Doing something physical I put at the top of my list and moving my body to music ie dancing up a storm always works very well, as does going for a walk but even cleaning the house is good as long as you go out afterwards. Finding someone to talk to can be the hardest thing to do even when you’re paying them so writing in the journal is invaluable because you don’t have to hide anything and it’s immediate.
I have found that ‘one day at a time’ followed literally is as good as everyone tells you it is. And for the long term perspective I always imagine what it will be like when I no longer feel this way and I remember Bruce Springsteen singing, ‘One day we’ll look back on this and it will all be funny.’ because one day when you have dealt with it the enormity of it will have diminished to completely manageable proportions.
Thank you for posting this, I don’t know you, but what you have expressed here and the courage to write it does not “speak” but rather ROARS volumes about your courage and character. Amazing and thank you again.
Thank you for your kind words Jolene!
I love you!
I just put my head down and keep moving…
The passage of time will erdicate the effects of the day – hopefully!
I cope with ‘bad days’ by always keeping in touch with myself. It might seem silly, but if I know why I’m having a bad day, or negative emotions, I like to figure out why. A lot of the time it hits me in December/January when I haven’t been outside in a long time and there is tons of snow outside. I compensate by taking vitamin D and trying to make myself go outside. I also blog about it. Sometimes I feel bad that my posts are only negative, and that’s a good reminder to write about the good stuff too.
It’s never as bad as you think it is, and there’s always something to look forward to. That’s how I look at it. Thanks for a great post!
Thank you for this post. I really needed to read it.
This is a great post. Thank you for reminding us that there are things we can do to bring happiness into the saddest of days. And thank you for the links.
I love your honesty in this post. These days we seem around people who only want to share about how fantastic their lives are. You are just being a normal human being and telling others that it’s okay to feel depressed and down sometimes. I feel the same way too sometimes and no amount of positive thinking could help me on a particular day.
But I would do just one thing like you mentioned. For me, I’d pick up the broom, put on some music and start sweeping the floor and before long, I’d cleaned the whole house. It’s hard to be sad for long when you’re busy and sweaty. At the end of the day, I’d feel so much better cause the house is cleaned and felt as if I’m successful for the day for a) not succumbing myself to depression b) not waste a day.
Great advice, again! I quite like your blog. I find that moving and talking it out are my most effective steps to relieving a bad day. I like the idea of moving toward a goal too, so one bad day doesn’t bleed over into the next one.
I have those days too. I usually do nothing and try to sleep. I have to see you mentioned interesting strategies that I should try.
Wow, great post! I’d done a different side of this topic on how Tuesdays were so often bad days for me. I don’t know if you saw it, but I’ll put the link at the bottom.
Thanks for subscribing to my blog! I really appreciate it.
http://livingtheseasons.com/2011/12/13/surprising-advice/
Nancy